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*Image: Flickr, Michael R Perry, Pinball Machine Art

It is a sad day for pyjama manufacturers worldwide with the untimely death of Playboy founder and self-described feminist Hugh Hefner, 91, yesterday.

His passing is a sad reminder that time is fleeting even when and if you have been waiting, in the case of one feminist I know, “Forty fucking years!” for him to die and that perhaps we should not make such a mistake in the future.

Hefner, famous for misattributing the same quote every one misattributes to Gloria Steinem “Women need men like a fish needs a bicycle”, when he maturely pointed out “Look at her she married a man!”, will be sorely missed by fondue party worshippers, the gherkin and little franks on sticks obelisk society, and wankers alike, including People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

A number of feminists such as myself shall also don our own pyjamas and dance around a bonfire like the Witches he correctly assumed we were. Bring out your best and dance a little jig if you will ladies.  Perhaps send a card of condolence to a cravat wearer in your neighbourhood . Remind them that he fought hard for women’s reproductive rights particularly if they had a curfew and expressed their organic and irrepressible desire to perform sexuality exactly how men wanted them to.

He was a leader in his generation, forging access for the ‘every man’ to female objectification. As such, he shall be mourned by esteemed leaders of the free world such as Donald Trump as much as by your average fuckwit on the internet who has been emboldened to finally tell women what they think of them.

“He gave men like me a voice. Not just a wank, but a voice.” said blue collar bus driver Kelvin who was echoed in solidarity by several members of the Dubai Golfing Society and Deep Philosophical Thinkers ™ around the world. While the latter tend to use big words infused with post-modernist theory, Kelvin and his mate Bluey here in Australia use the more refreshing colloquialisms when encountering females on the internet, calling them ‘skanks’, ‘hos’ and other terms of endearment.

Feminists around the world have been informed by the Hefner estate that he planned something modest for his funeral edition. In honour of his competitor in misogyny Larry Flynt of Hustler magazine Hefner has apparently chosen to have an artist’s rendition of himself being put through a meat grinder wearing his trademark black (“black means serious” he famously once said) silk pyjamas. But so far sources have been unable to verify which brand. Interestingly, Versace might be considered too ‘gay’. Not that Hef was homophobic of course, his endorsement of manufactured ‘lesbian’ pornography directed exclusively by the male gaze is testament to that. But Dolce and Gabbana are less ‘flouncy’. Some more American American men are concerned he may not be wearing all-American made silk pyjamas, but whatever anyone’s concerns, he will no doubt be wearing his favourite black velvet loafers by designer Di Fabrizio.

In other news, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have sent their sincere condolences but say , “We will still be launching an investigation in to how many male silk worms died during Hefner’s long and industrious career.” Spokesperson Ingrid Internalisedmisogynist said “While we all might like the feel of silk, here at PeTA we shall be wearing black cotton pyjamas, ethically sourced from forced grain-fed women who have been treated with non-animal dyes. We’ll miss Hef and we support the pyjama industry, but he and they, would respect our decision much as we always respected his.”

Another group in mourning is the Liberals Against being Forced to Choose Between Coke and Pepsi (LABFCBP) who said, “Hef helped us a lot. He told us that we needn’t be ashamed whatever we chose to mix with our Jack Daniels. There is an interview where he said as long as it has Jack Daniels in it it doesn’t matter.”

The LABFCBP are currently launching a petition to be included in next year’s Pride March but so far are worried that despite Hefner’s legacy, the event might be still considered a little too ‘gay”.

*Simone Watson is an indigenous survivor of the legal and illegal sex trade and director of Nordic Model Australia Coalition (NorMAC). She is a speaker and activist against prostitution, and a contributor to Prostitution Narratives: Stories of Survival in the Sex Trade (edited by Melinda Tankard Reist and Caroline Norma, Spinifex Press, 2016), and has been published in various media.

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